A Visit to the Doctor

I went to my Doctor yesterday for a yearly exam. It always emotionally draining, even though I really like him. He continually tells me not to let this drive me crazy. We talked a lot about why specifically I can't get preggo. It turns out that the endo has separated my ovaries and fallopian tubes. So when I ovulate, the fallopian tubes can't grab the egg, to be fertilized. So my eggs just drop, float and die away. And while that isn't the happiest of thoughts, it was nice to find out exactly WHY, not with a generic, you have endo, so you can't have babies.

My husband and I talked about adoption again, briefly. He asked me a very important question. He asked, "Why do you want to adopt?" I had to think about that. Why do I want to adopt? Partly, because I would like to give a child a good home. But otherwise, I really think its for selfish reasons. I guess I need to do more thinking on that. Honestly, there are lots of *Pros* to not having kids. Like, not having to wipe butts, or noses. Not have to worry about how to pay for college. But then I think, I will not get the joy either.

I don't wanna whine.....okay yes I do!

Okay, so I don't wanna complain, and I'm not usually a kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum kinda girl. But I'm gonna pout here! There are a couple women that I know, who are preggo. I wouldn't call them close friends, but I know them from the photo biz. Here is what I don't get. One of these women, is married to a nice guy, has two kids, a step-son and will have twins in October. This girl constantly has to sell stuff to feed the two kids she has!!! I know times are tough, but the thing is, they were TRYING to get preggo, because this girl wanted a little girl and she had two boys. I also know this woman, who has 6 kids already, she's 40 years old and just found out she is preggo again. Now, that wouldn't so much bother me, I think they make a fairly decent living. However, from what I hear from a friend, her husband abuses her. I don't get it!!! Its JUST NOT FAIR!!! I like both these women, yet I'm so pissed off that they get to have kids and I don't.

4th of July

Today we had our big family get together for the 4th of July Celebration. Went out to the lake, swam, ate lots of great food and had a pretty good time. My husband is always the designated fire marshal for the fireworks that we all set off. He is so fantastic with kids! I watched him as he showed the bigger kids how to set them off safely, and made sure all the little kids got to share in the fun too. One of the many, many hard things about not having kids is that I feel like he is being cheated. He looked like he was having a blast with all the kids, and I regret that he won't get to show *our* kid any of that stuff. I was so proud of how he was with these kids, and it makes me sad, because my husband would have been a fantastic father!

My Pride and Joy!

I found out on November 21st that I was not going to have children unassisted. It was an emotional time for me the next few weeks after. I couldn't decide weather to cry or scream. I unfortunately could not take of work to sit in the dark and ponder the cruel fate that became my life. So I was at work one day in early December. One of my customers came in, on this particularly cold day and asked if this little puppy out side was mine. I said of course not, my puppy should be in her back yard? I walk outside with this customer, and sitting below my window was a tiny, dirty, mouse looking creature. We coax this little bit of dog into my office. Turns out, its a very small, very smelly Chihuahua!!!! Poor thing looked like it had been lost for days. His poor little ribs were sticking out and he was shivering like he was freezing to death. The customer had to leave, and as much as he wanted a dog, just couldn't have one at the moment. So my customer leaves and I'm stuck with this poor little dog. I call my husband and tell him what happened, and he tells me to bring it home, but to leave a note on the door in case anyone is looking for this little dog. So I bring this little bit home. The first thing he does is run and jump in my husbands lap!!!! I was kinda sad, I saved this little thing, and hes going to be a traitor like my other dog and cat! (They both LOVE my husband, he is their *person*) So, My husband hands him to me, and I clean him up with a warm bath, we give him some food and introduce him to our Border Collie and our cat. We finally settle down and this dear little thing falls asleep in my arms and I just melted. He is so small and cute and just has the most adorable bug eyes! My husband reminded me the next day that some poor little kid could have lost this dog and we should do everything we could to try to find an owner. So I went to the SPCA, looked in the paper and left notes on my office door, letting people know I had this dog. All the while, hoping that no one would come claim him. So a week or so passes and no one calls, I SOOOO thanked whatever higher powers that be! This little puppy was a bit of joy for me at a time when I really needed someone to love just me, no matter what. He is so thrilled to see me when I get home in the afternoons, he loves to just sit by me and just has the best personality. I always tell my husband that this little chihuahua is my "God said I can't have babies, baby". We named him Pixel, (since I'm a photographer) and if I could, I would take him everywhere with me. The great thing is that I am his *person* and he thinks I'm the coolest thing ever. He don't care that I can't have children, he will never look at me with pity, or sympathy. He just loves me and he is my pride and joy:)

I got asked when I "was due"

I am a wedding photographer, but sometimes work for a friend of mine in DFW. I went to help her with a wedding yesterday, and I got asked by one of the guests when I was due. I know it was not meant by the guest badly, and there were several women there that were pregnant. I'm also, not a small girl, by any means, but all I could do was stare at her, wide eyed, and shake my head no. It goes back to that "I don't know what to say" thing. I suppose the most frustrating thing about not being able to have kids, is the expectation that your going to have kids. When I was going though my surgery, I got a note from an acquaintance who had been though something similar. She said the best way to explain how she felt about it was that it was like you were planning a trip. You plan this trip to go to the Caribbean, and you plan for years, save your money, buy the ticket, loose weight (who doesn't want to look great in there swim suit! LOL) buy new beach outfits, pack your bags, right down to the floppy sun hat. Then the day finally arrives, and you leave for the airport, you board the plane and take off from the runway. The next thing you know, the captain of the plane comes on and says that instead of going to the Caribbean, your going to Alaska!!! You feel like you plan everything right, you meet a great man, fall in love, and get married. My husband and I waited several years before going to the Dr.'s to find out what was wrong, because we has certain goals we wanted to meet before having kids. We were doing it the right way. Then we get told all the expectations for our life are not going to happen.

I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine, he said that after my Valentines Day Dr. appointment of Broken Dreams, that I changed. He's right, I did change. I'm not the flirty, fun, sociable girl I was before. But what do you expect from a girl that's standing in an Alaska snow bank in her bikini?

I never know what to say!

So anyway, a friend of mine dropped into my work yesterday. I hadn't seen her in about 3 months and she stopped by to see how I was doing. Her and her husband decided before they got married 10 years ago not to have kids. He had a son from a previous marriage, and she didn't want them. Not because shes a kid hater or anything. She just doesn't think it good to bring a child into the kind of world we have today. I have been dying to ask her a question since I found out that I can't have kids. What do you say to people when they ask...do you have kids? Do you just say no and leave it at that? Do you go into your reasons, or medical history to explain? I feel the need to explain that I can't, but then I hate the way people look at you after you say that. Its a combination of pity and superiority for something that everyone should do naturally. Its not something people do on purpose, its just a fleeting look. Maybe I will go out to her house after I get off work tomorrow and talk with her, and just blurt out what I want to know.

It sneaks up on you! (Dun Dun Dun)

So today is Father's day, and my husband and I go to see The Happening. Its the first rated R movie from M. Night Shyamalan. I wasn't a bad movie, his are not block busters, kinda scary and more character driven. They are about normal, everyday people, in an weirdo and unusual circumstance. So anyway, I won't go into too much of the movie, but at some point, the lead female, Alma is in the restroom, doing a preggo test. Its positive and Alma is just beaming. She runs outside, and one look from her husband and he knows that shes preggo. My first thought was, "I will never get to do that with my husband". I started to look away from the screen and my beautiful husband, reaches across the seat and grabbed my hand, and held it close to him. It was so sweet, cuz I knew that even though he was thinking the same, his first thought was that I was okay. The thing is, somedays, I'm fine, and I'm sorta glad we won't have kids. Then, it sneaks up on you, all the firsts that your going to miss.